by rossanahead | Apr 25, 2011 | children, family, parenting, Ruth M. Floresca, woman
By Ruth Manimtim-Floresca
“Clouds that move across the skies are changing form before our very eyes…Have we outgrown our Peter Pans and wings? We’ve simply grown too old for tales of knights and kings. Cause life’s a constant change and nothing stays the same …”
I have always loved Jose Mari Chan’s compositions – they’re so poetic, very meaningful, and have wonderful melodies. My roommate in college had Chan’s albums and I would often borrow them to listen and unwind to. Up to now, thanks to his soothing voice and beautiful music, I feel peaceful every time I hear his songs. The poet in me appreciates the way he had strung words together to come up with thought-provoking lines.
Often I would find myself mulling over the lyrics of “Constant Change.” There is so much truth behind those words. More and more, I see grownups no longer having time to enjoy the simple things in life; adults who wouldn’t dare have fun walking under the rain without an umbrella or people over their 20’s who would never let themselves be caught sitting on a park swing flying with such joyous abandon. Nowadays, most grownups seem content to lead their busy lives, acting on what they think of as adult behavior and missing out on a lot!
I’ve found out that having kids is one great way to relive one’s childhood. In fact, I know people who became more laidback and “cool” when they got to be parents. As the song says, we shouldn’t let go of the capacity to have fun in childlike ways. In my case, enjoyment of life didn’t diminish but was amplified when my four sons entered the world.
To date, I can proudly say I know around 50 or so Barney songs. I can recite the titles of shows (and even sing their theme songs!) in most of the cable kiddie channels. Quiz me about Spongebob and High School Musical and I’d probably answer everything correctly. And yes, I tap my toes too when my teenagers listen to songs by Boys Like Girls or Hale, and whenever they watch Glee. I can even beat them on some computer games!
A friend of mine and her husband take time during weekends to play games like patintero with their three children. From what I see, they are a family whose bonding got better and better because the kids know that their parents understand them and are willing to go down to kid-level to show their love.
Sure, we do change. Everyone changes. But wouldn’t we be happier to go changing for the better without losing sight of the things we enjoyed when we were children? Lick an ice cream cone, turn cartwheels, or giggle like a preschooler. Bring out that child inside of you right now. No matter your age, you will never be too old not to be able to! In return, I’ll bet you’ll get to smile more often. I do.
by rossanahead | Apr 23, 2011 | children, Education, family, Gina Abuyuan, parenting, woman
By Gina Abuyuan
Many people find it strange—nay, downright unbelievable—that my ex-husband and I are on good terms. As I wrote in one of my old magazines, it’s almost impossible to salvage positive feelings about a person who has caused you unimaginable pain.
For a time, even my fiancé, believing that it would be in my best interest, thought I should cut off all ties with my ex-husband.
It’s impossible, of course, considering we have twin boys between us, and I’d like him to be a part of the twins’ lives and vice versa. Besides, there’s the practical stuff like tuition fees, medical expenses, and extra-curricular activities to discuss—so wouldn’t things be easier if everyone just got along nicely?
I quote Brooke Burke of ModernMom.com when she talks of her own relationship with her ex: “We decided to take the high road for the kids.”
Two years ago, I coined a term for this sort of relationship: “co-parenting.” Does everyone believe in this? No. Is it for everyone? No. But if you’d like to try and make things easier for you, your ex-spouse, and your kids, here are three jump off points:
Get third party help. Both of you should see a psychologist, therapist, counselor, or join a self-development workshop or seminar (don’t get addicted, though, or else the seminars will drive your life, and leave you dependent and disempowered). I recommend Bicbic Medez of the RCW Foundation (which also has short courses on re-grouping and getting clear on where you want to take your life). Call (2) 436-0710 or 426-6832or visit www.rcwfi.org for more details. Maribel Dionisio of The Love Institute (loveinstitute.multiply.com) can also help. As the organization’s name connotes, it helps couples and families heal, but that doesn’t necessarily mean it’ll try to get you and your ex back together. Just be honest and open about what kind of relationship you’d like to re-create.
Take charge of the transformation. The real change has to come from within you. My ex-husband and I had countless fights and misunderstandings before achieving this sense of harmony and peace. Those blow-ups began because we felt the other was over-stepping boundaries, assuming the worst of the other, and thinking the one “should’ve known” or “should’ve known better.” Remember, the issues you’re supposed to be focusing on now aren’t about the two of you: they’re about your kids. Let me be extreme about it: Talk like you’re talking business, but learn to negotiate nicely. Get sticky issues like expenses, schooling, schedules/holidays out of the way. But learn to be flexible too.
Agree on the non-negotiables. Here are some things you can let slide: what foods they’ll eat, what they wear, what sports they take up. Here are some of the things my ex-husband and I will not budge on: a holistic, exceptional education and life experiences, their freedom to explore their spirituality later on, addressing immediately any circumstance or individual that hurts them (e.g., on two occasions, I let go of two drivers, on the spot, within minutes of learning they made my kids cry—the first, by driving too fast and the second, by cracking a cruel joke. I didn’t even allow them back in the house or subdivision to pack up their things). Harsh? Maybe. But we want to reassure them that though Mommy and Tatay are no longer married, we’re still part of the same team when it comes to them.
by rossanahead | Apr 20, 2011 | children, Education, family, Karen Galarpe, parenting
By Karen Galarpe
Walking into my room one time, a friend said, “Do you read all these books?”
And one time, my aunt came in, looked at my son’s bookshelf and said, “Ang dami niyang libro ‘no?”
We’re a family of readers, my son and I, and have been so for as long as I can remember.
Growing up, I buried my nose in books during vacations, and during school season, I would be in the school library almost every day. I felt a certain kind of high filling out my library card for the year in just a few months, and requesting a crisp new one to last me the next 3 months.
My books of choice when I was growing up were varied: fairy tales in the early grades, then Enid Blyton, Nancy Drew, Hardy Boys, and Bobbsey Twins later on.
By the time I was in high school, I was into Sweet Dreams, Sweet Valley High, Mills and Boon, even Barbara Cartland romances. But my mom said I should read better stuff, so I shifted to John Steinbeck and books about the Holocaust and the Nazis.
The reading bug continued to bite me while in college, and today, I have to read a book every day no matter how busy I am. Sometimes, just 10 to 15 minutes a day, or a chapter, would do. Having an hour to read is bliss to me.
My reading choices today have become wider: from parenting and personal finance to history, fiction, Christian living, psychology, food, arts, et cetera.
With my son, I have started reading to him while he was still in my tummy. As a baby, he would look at the images I would point out at the board books we would read every day. It also became a ritual for us to read a storybook at night before he went to sleep.
Among the books we would read over and over again when he was small were “Ang Ambisyosong Istetoskop” by Luis Gatmaitan, a story about Jose Rizal’s stethoscope; a book on American presidents; a book series about Lego toys; an atlas; and so much more.
Today, his books have gone more eclectic, from “1984” by George Orwell to books about politics, history, cars, and manga.
To make your child enjoy reading, you have to enjoy reading yourself. When a child sees how much joy you derive at reading and learning, he will gravitate to reading himself. And as Dr. Seuss said, “The more that you read, the more things you will know. The more that you learn, the more places you’ll go.”
by rossanahead | Apr 19, 2011 | parenting, Ruth M. Floresca
By Ruth M. Floresca
We live in modern times. Despite being labeled as a third world country, the Philippines cannot be said to be behind other countries in terms of technology and lots of other things. In fact, if we look around, there are so many indications that we are not as backward as people of other nations might think.
Unfortunately, as we continue to travel the path towards modernization and, if I may add, sought-after sophistication, many Filipinos barely notice how much we are going farther away from things that should matter. I’m talking about culture, particularly, Filipino values.
It saddens me these days to see and hear young people scarcely showing respect to others, especially their elders. I grew up in the province and was thoroughly instilled with the importance of family ties, saying “po” and “opo,” and speaking in deferential tones when conversing with older people.
My husband and I are doing our best to raise our kids the same way. Thankfully, most of the things we keep teaching them seem to be sticking. If they sometimes forget, they get reprimanded and reminded. Truthfully, if there was one thing I would hate hearing about my kids is that they were not raised to practice good manners. On the other hand, I’d usually get surprised and mildly offended whenever some of their friends or classmates address me like a peer with matching authoritative tones to boot. I have to admit that there were times I imagined washing their mouths with soap if I could.
I understand that there are parents who believe in equality and mutual respect. Well, when I got married and had kids of my own, I saw my relationship with my parents veer in that direction. But I don’t think that kind of association can be, nor should be, applied yet to parents and very young children.
Many foreign and local TV shows, music, and movies don’t help. Young people nowadays are bombarded left and right with role models who are not very good examples to begin with. Which is why we parents should doubly focus on correctly teaching our kids who and what to believe in.
We Filipinos are known for our hospitable nature. But I hope that we can also become known as a people who are raising children who don’t talk insolently to adults as if they have every right to do so; children who’d rather be with their families instead of bonding with their friends majority of the time; and children whom other parents would speak well of for being raised properly.
In her book “Anything We Love Can Be Saved,” author Alice Walker writes about soul nurture as “that infusion of spiritual carrots and spinach that one’s own culture can give, and that the dominant culture under which we live cannot.”
To those of us who proudly say we are Filipinos, whether we still reside in the Philippines or have chosen to live in another land; whatever outside influences have come into this country and into our lives; however Americanized (or Europeanized, etc.) many of us have become; and whether we allow these factors to seep into every facet of our being or not; I hope we can all continue to strive to keep intact what good Filipino values we intrinsically have and treasure them because they are, to begin with, part of who we are.
by rossanahead | Apr 17, 2011 | career, children, Gina Abuyuan, parenting, woman
By Gina Abuyuan
I would probably now own a Mac Air, have a year’s worth of rent paid, and a lilac Gucci handbag made of the most sublime, buttery leather if I were paid a peso every time I’ve been told/asked:
* “I-feature mo naman ako,” (“Can you do a feature on me?”) when people learn I edit a magazine (well, when I did);
* “Masakit?” (“Did it hurt?”) when they see the tattoo on my wrist; and
* “May lahi kayo?” (“Is it in your genes?”) when people learn I have twins.
And I would probably be now driven around in a mini-van if I gave myself a peso every time I promised myself: “I will not get dramatic about my being a working mom”—and broke it.
Don’t get me wrong—I love being a working mother. I love the adrenaline and challenge it gives me; I love being paid for what I love to do. But sometimes, the stress gets the better of me. I retreat into my selfish, self-centered world and resent the fact that other people (my sister, for instance, who I love dearly, again please don’t get me wrong) have got it easy: their husbands bring home bacon (a full slab at that!), all they’ve got to worry about is the kids’ baon, bring them to and pick them up from school, and make sure dinner is ready when hubby arrives.
But is it really that easy? I once was left sans yaya, when my twin boys were still babies, and a whole day taking care of them left me more sapped than 48 hours putting my then-magazine to bed. I marvel at the energy of my partner’s ex-wife, B, who’s chosen to be a homemaker to her current husband and two daughters. She’s up at dawn, cooks the family’s meals, drives the kids to school, hangs out in the mall while waiting for them to get out of class, drives them back home, takes care of her husband, and drives them to extracurricular activities during the weekends.
One time, when we were corresponding about her son’s schooling and she had missed an e-mail or two, she was profuse in her apologies. She was so busy, she said, but probably not as busy as I was, an editor. I stopped her right there. No way, I told her. It’s OK. Nothing can be busier than a full-time mom and homemaker.
So, yes, I do get emotionally frayed sometimes, especially when deadlines are piling up, editorial assistants are calling, and texting non-stop to follow up on stories, book clients are asking (“but no pressure! Just asking!”) if the copy is ready, and public relations practitioners are requesting for interviews “at the most convenient time.”
But, as I remind myself, that just like B and my sister, I made a choice. I made a choice to be a working mother. Not just a 9 to 5 pencil-pusher, mind you, but the type of worker who needs to hustle and have the ability to speak/write/understand different voices. Sure, I can un-make that choice, but that will mean going against who I am, what I was meant to do, and what I’m happy doing–occasional dramatics notwithstanding.
by rossanahead | Apr 7, 2011 | family, Gina Abuyuan, parenting, woman
By Gina Abuyuan
It started mid-last year, me taking my daughter to the mall, allowing her and her friends to walk around without me or other parents chaperoning them. I’d sit by myself in a coffee shop armed with my laptop and a grandé, trying to look cool. But each time they’d rush by—a gaggle of adolescent girls, their male companions ambling awkwardly after them—I’d shoot straight up, my neck craning, try to see what they were up to, what they were doing.
My partner, who spent two years overseas and did not see the more gentle parts of this transition—from playdates to Mom-daughter dates to barkada dates—still feels a little crestfallen when S asks him to drive her to this mall and that. “May sarili nang lakad,” he says, his mouth in an upside-down U. “I never thought this day would come, and that I’d feel this way.”
But who ever is? I spent the majority of my time away from my boys until only last year, due to a variety of (stupid) reasons—too much work, too much partying, too many problems in my love life—and now, not only do I regret it, I find myself trying to make up for lost time by squeezing every possible iota of cuteness out of them while it still exists. But they’re already seven. Pretty soon, they’ll have to get circumcised, want their own time away from Mommy, and will be reminding me to buy extra razors. I don’t think I’ll ever be ready for that.
Some parents don’t want to let go because of sheer over-protectiveness. I don’t think that’s the case with me. No one wants their children hurt or harmed, but disappointment and pain is a way of life, and shapes character.
Some don’t want to let go because, to put it simply, they don’t trust their kids. They believe Mom/Dad knows best, and that kids will never be able to take care of themselves on their own. This isn’t the case with me either; a huge part of a parent’s role is to bring up their child/children so they be self-sufficient, are equipped with the smarts and skills to deal with difficulties and live life the best way they want to. Any action or belief contrary to that is disempowering and unfair to the child—and the parent.
So what has me still mulling over S and her teenage shows of independence? What is it that has me poised breathless, almost on the brink of fear? Maybe it’s the thought of her leaving me. Maybe it’s the thought of her choosing her friends, and eventually, her boyfriends and spouse over me. I’ve gone through the cycle. I’ve got good reason to be afraid, haha.
Of course, I know I’m getting ahead of myself more than a decade here, but still. You get to think about a whole lot of junk while you’re sitting in a café, nursing a grandé.
